Living with the Pain
Today, he boards a plane for Australia. He will be gone for about a month. He told us it will be about an 18 hour trip. That leaves a lot of time for thinking.
Yesterday, we visited with him. After spending time with all of Josh's family but his older brother, Josh's dad took us to the cemetery where he is buried. It is a quiet spot in the country. Many family members are buried there, including Josh's grandfather, his father. Josh was laid to rest next to him. While we were there, Josh's grandmother came. She said she has many family members there, but Josh is the hardest. The young aren't supposed to die.
After the visit to the cemetery, Josh's dad asked if we would like to go the hunting cabin where Josh had spent his last few days. Victoria said she would, and so we drove a little deeper into the country, to the top of a hill. It is a quiet place, and you can see forever. At night, his dad said, you can almost reach up and touch the stars. He said he would often find Josh sitting outside, just looking at the stars. Some of Josh's things were there - his basketball shoes hanging on a wall, his clothes, hanging on racks, his sunglasses lying on a shelf, waiting to be picked up as he walked out the door.
His dad spoke with pride of the work Josh had done in helping him build the yet unfinished cabin. How, when Josh moved in, he chose the master bedroom. Of the nights they had spent there. Of the crazy things Josh had done to protect his dogs from wild pigs. Of the last night, when he had bar-b-qued for friends, and Josh had left. He could not know then it would be the last time he would ever see his son alive. That just a few hours later, he would be listening to the awful news no parent wants to hear. Often he choked back tears, as he spoke. Pride and sorrow mixed together.
He will be gone for about a month. Away from all friends and family. Away from all support groups. Away from the visible reminders of the son he buried only three weeks ago today. He said it will be hard. I can only imagine. I can imagine how he must worry each day that something will happen to another child while he is gone. Where there were four, now there are three. Some bad things happened to two of them during the week after Josh's death. I can imagine how he must worry that he is going to be 18 hours away, and what will they and he do if something else happens.
He said he was so angry with God at first, and that made it more difficult to deal with the loss. But it got easier when he surrendered his pain to God. That is the way it always is. Christ told us - come to me, and I will give you rest. Peter said, "Cast all your cares on Him, for he cares for you."
I will tell more about visiting with Josh's mom and sister and little brother. But today, I am thinking especially of his dad, as he travels so far away. Leaving behind a piece of himself, a piece of his heart, headed to a foreign land where he must lay his cares aside to do the job his employer expects from him.
I pray God's mercies on him as he travels. I pray there will be someone there who can find him and reach out to him to show him the love of God, even in a far-off country. I pray for peace in his soul, as he rests in the loving arms of God.
Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"
even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
Psalm 139: 7-12
God, bless all of Josh's family with healing from their grief, but today, especially, bless his father, Brigham, with safety in travel, with peace of mind and knowledge of your presence. Be with him while he is so far away from those he loves. Fill him with the peace that passes all understanding. Send angels to minister to him. Let him know your love, mercy and Grace. In Jesus name, Amen.
May 22, 2006
Yesterday, we visited with him. After spending time with all of Josh's family but his older brother, Josh's dad took us to the cemetery where he is buried. It is a quiet spot in the country. Many family members are buried there, including Josh's grandfather, his father. Josh was laid to rest next to him. While we were there, Josh's grandmother came. She said she has many family members there, but Josh is the hardest. The young aren't supposed to die.
After the visit to the cemetery, Josh's dad asked if we would like to go the hunting cabin where Josh had spent his last few days. Victoria said she would, and so we drove a little deeper into the country, to the top of a hill. It is a quiet place, and you can see forever. At night, his dad said, you can almost reach up and touch the stars. He said he would often find Josh sitting outside, just looking at the stars. Some of Josh's things were there - his basketball shoes hanging on a wall, his clothes, hanging on racks, his sunglasses lying on a shelf, waiting to be picked up as he walked out the door.
His dad spoke with pride of the work Josh had done in helping him build the yet unfinished cabin. How, when Josh moved in, he chose the master bedroom. Of the nights they had spent there. Of the crazy things Josh had done to protect his dogs from wild pigs. Of the last night, when he had bar-b-qued for friends, and Josh had left. He could not know then it would be the last time he would ever see his son alive. That just a few hours later, he would be listening to the awful news no parent wants to hear. Often he choked back tears, as he spoke. Pride and sorrow mixed together.
He will be gone for about a month. Away from all friends and family. Away from all support groups. Away from the visible reminders of the son he buried only three weeks ago today. He said it will be hard. I can only imagine. I can imagine how he must worry each day that something will happen to another child while he is gone. Where there were four, now there are three. Some bad things happened to two of them during the week after Josh's death. I can imagine how he must worry that he is going to be 18 hours away, and what will they and he do if something else happens.
He said he was so angry with God at first, and that made it more difficult to deal with the loss. But it got easier when he surrendered his pain to God. That is the way it always is. Christ told us - come to me, and I will give you rest. Peter said, "Cast all your cares on Him, for he cares for you."
I will tell more about visiting with Josh's mom and sister and little brother. But today, I am thinking especially of his dad, as he travels so far away. Leaving behind a piece of himself, a piece of his heart, headed to a foreign land where he must lay his cares aside to do the job his employer expects from him.
I pray God's mercies on him as he travels. I pray there will be someone there who can find him and reach out to him to show him the love of God, even in a far-off country. I pray for peace in his soul, as he rests in the loving arms of God.
Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"
even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
Psalm 139: 7-12
God, bless all of Josh's family with healing from their grief, but today, especially, bless his father, Brigham, with safety in travel, with peace of mind and knowledge of your presence. Be with him while he is so far away from those he loves. Fill him with the peace that passes all understanding. Send angels to minister to him. Let him know your love, mercy and Grace. In Jesus name, Amen.
May 22, 2006
posted by pawatson at
5/22/2006 11:55:00 AM
